Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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