You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
