Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
