can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
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