Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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