The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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