How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
