saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
