did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
