just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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