Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
