we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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