Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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