She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
