either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
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