remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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