so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
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