You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Randomize
