i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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