Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
