I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
