Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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