two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Randomize
