There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Pants are for mortals
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize