I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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