I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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