the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Randomize
