Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
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