Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
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