I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize