im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Randomize
