he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Randomize
