I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
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