my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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