Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Randomize
