i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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