I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
