Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Randomize
