i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
