I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
