I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
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