Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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