you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
