So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
