He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
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