i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize