we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
