Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
