I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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