Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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