U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Randomize
