after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
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