there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Randomize
