I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Randomize
