There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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