He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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