On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
