taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
