Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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