I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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