Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
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