At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
